Can you really have it all? The family, the career, the great relationship? I'm highly cynical of this idea and here's why.
Growing up in my household, both parents worked. Dad did something important and bounced around from bank to bank until he became vice president of some area in the bank and mom was a teacher. Mom was home everyday at 4 pm and left by 8 am. Dad was gone by 6 am and usually wasn't home til 8 or 9 sometimes 10 pm at night. And because he loved his job more than he did his home life, when he was home, his parenting skills were lacking. Mom did everything; cooked, cleaned, bathed, played, traveled with, took to the doctor, helped with homework, left work early for sick kids and numerous other things. And dad well he did none of the above. It didn't take my sister or I long to learn not to count on him for anything. When mom would say ask your dad for something like help with homework when he would come home late I remember being in bed and hearing my sister cry because he would yell at her and call her names for not understanding her homework. He nurtured his friendships and his free time, never missed a chance to deer hunt or go flying but sure videotaped the wrong daughter (that'd be me) at her kindergarten singing program, he taped my friend Kristen instead, granted we were all dressed as circus members me as a clown but he saw me before the show. Like I've said numerous times my "father" wasn't father of the year or even close but he showed me that balancing work life and a family wasn't something easily done, at least for men.
As I've grown up I've realized a big factor for me in the man I want to marry is that he is able to yes, have a stable and exciting career, but be able to put family first. I don't remember my dad ever calling to tell my mom he was going to be late. These things are important to me, if you had a job that was shift work and you decided you might want to take the overtime I would want my husband to call and see if I was OK with it, especially if we had kids. When I worked for the police department, one of my numerous trainers was a dispatcher and her husband was a police officer there and they had the best balance. Her husband never took overtime unless he came up and asked her and vice versa. They both planned their days off so they matched up and they did a lot of things together and with their kids. They both worked shift work, and had shift picks at different times and yet still managed to make it work, I admired that.
My awesome neighbors next door have an admirable relationship too. They own a business and work together, although on alternating days, I imagine so they don't have the desire to kill one another from spending too much time together :-). They have two young kids, yet still go out, have tons of fun both together and separately and when its just them at home as a family they are the most down to earth happy couple. It's like they never got out of the honeymoon phase. I've never seen them argue or fight in public, that's not to say they might not have their own arguments or issues (as everyone does) but they do it the right way, in the privacy of their own home where no one sees it, you'd never know looking at them.
A career is great and ever since I saw Bethenny Frankel on the Apprentice and then on New York Housewives and now on her own show I kind of thought maybe I would want to live my life like her and marry my work and forget the rest but I realized that as great as a career is at the end of the day, at the end of your life, it won't keep you warm. You won't be leaving behind a legacy, or a family or anything of significance other than materialistic things. I've realized that marrying someone who puts family first and includes me in the decisions that effect the family in regards to his career are a non-negotiable for me. There are far too many other things in life to be willing to give in on, this one I won't. I won't have a husband like my father. My grandpa always said that my dad may have been a son of a bitch but he was a hard worker and good at what he did but sometimes, that's not enough. Marilyn said it best...
Growing up in my household, both parents worked. Dad did something important and bounced around from bank to bank until he became vice president of some area in the bank and mom was a teacher. Mom was home everyday at 4 pm and left by 8 am. Dad was gone by 6 am and usually wasn't home til 8 or 9 sometimes 10 pm at night. And because he loved his job more than he did his home life, when he was home, his parenting skills were lacking. Mom did everything; cooked, cleaned, bathed, played, traveled with, took to the doctor, helped with homework, left work early for sick kids and numerous other things. And dad well he did none of the above. It didn't take my sister or I long to learn not to count on him for anything. When mom would say ask your dad for something like help with homework when he would come home late I remember being in bed and hearing my sister cry because he would yell at her and call her names for not understanding her homework. He nurtured his friendships and his free time, never missed a chance to deer hunt or go flying but sure videotaped the wrong daughter (that'd be me) at her kindergarten singing program, he taped my friend Kristen instead, granted we were all dressed as circus members me as a clown but he saw me before the show. Like I've said numerous times my "father" wasn't father of the year or even close but he showed me that balancing work life and a family wasn't something easily done, at least for men.
As I've grown up I've realized a big factor for me in the man I want to marry is that he is able to yes, have a stable and exciting career, but be able to put family first. I don't remember my dad ever calling to tell my mom he was going to be late. These things are important to me, if you had a job that was shift work and you decided you might want to take the overtime I would want my husband to call and see if I was OK with it, especially if we had kids. When I worked for the police department, one of my numerous trainers was a dispatcher and her husband was a police officer there and they had the best balance. Her husband never took overtime unless he came up and asked her and vice versa. They both planned their days off so they matched up and they did a lot of things together and with their kids. They both worked shift work, and had shift picks at different times and yet still managed to make it work, I admired that.
My awesome neighbors next door have an admirable relationship too. They own a business and work together, although on alternating days, I imagine so they don't have the desire to kill one another from spending too much time together :-). They have two young kids, yet still go out, have tons of fun both together and separately and when its just them at home as a family they are the most down to earth happy couple. It's like they never got out of the honeymoon phase. I've never seen them argue or fight in public, that's not to say they might not have their own arguments or issues (as everyone does) but they do it the right way, in the privacy of their own home where no one sees it, you'd never know looking at them.
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