My (un)Perfect Life

I've missed blogging and really hadn't had the time since I had started a new job. The 7 months of training kicked my butt and in the end it wasn't good enough for the department and they let me go. In the long run, it was for the better, I was really unhappy there and the supervisors and some of my co-workers were really nasty. What sucks is I enjoyed the job, and when I think back to when I was little I always thought I would have my life together by now. I wanted to be married by 25 or at least engaged, and I'm not even in the career that I was hoping for.

Recently I had a health scare that made me realize that I really needed to recognize what is important and not important. At the same time, my 81 year old grandmother fell off her bicycle while she was out riding it and has fractured her pelvic bone and is in a rehab center for one to two weeks. It makes me all the more aware that life isn't something to take for granted. We aren't as immortal as we like to think we are. When I was little I used to tell my grandma that my life was going to be perfect and it has been anything but. I think that is what is so painful, the vision I had for myself I'm not fulfilling because I can't it's impossible to live a perfect life. You can only do your best and when that isn't enough for your own standards, it's painful. Especially when you bring another person into the picture, a person you are dating. Someone who doesn't know your past, who sees a picture but only sees the very basics of that picture, not the background. (Baakaa-aka my grandma and I below)

The little girl in the picture is me with my grandma and I look so happy but I can't even remember where my dad was or if he was even in town, most likely if it was before 9 p.m., he wasn't home, or coherent enough to be apart of the family and it looks like we were enjoying birthday cake for my birthday so most likely he was out of town deer hunting because unfortunately I was born during deer hunting season and it took precedence every year over my birthday. One particular time I can remember being at this place called Leaps-n-bounds with my friends having a birthday party and my dad had decided he had to leave early to get on the road to get going to deer hunt and he pulled me aside to let me know he was leaving and I was probably 7 or 8 and I remember sitting in his lap and crying and asking him not to go and it had no affect on him. Though I look happy in this picture and I probably was because I loved having my grandparents in town behind this photo there is so much that people don't know and don't see because a picture and smile can hide a lot. To this day, I've learned with certain people a smile and a "I'm fine," appeases them enough for them to let it go. It's frustrating, but some people just don't care.

I'm looking at the picture and missing the little girl that sits there who isn't jaded, who hasn't had her heart broken by boys or just by the World in general, I was so innocent in that picture. That girl knew how to forgive, and didn't hate.