Grief

So it's been a while since I last wrote. Other than working, I've been grieving. Grieving for someone I love like a second mother, someone who was a great friend, a great mother and someone who fought like hell to beat cancer and it took her from us too quickly. Watching her get sicker and sicker was the worst thing I have gone through in my life thus far, but I wouldn't change a minute I spent with her. This was my first experience with death, and I had no idea how deep it would cut.

Grief is a weird thing the way it ebbs and flows, one day you think you are doing OK and the next you have no control over your emotions. You cry out of nowhere; a song, an inanimate object, a picture, the moon any little thing reminds you of that person you loved and the tears fall and you can't stop them. It's that ugly cry, as we refer to it in my family, where you can't breathe and your face looks all funny. Or one day you're just really angry at the World or God. Lately, I am going back and forth between these two phases. I find myself incredibly angry that she is gone and that people who say "everything happens for a reason" can still believe that when she was taken from the people who love her including her three high school children so quickly and so young. What reason would that be?

I am glad that she is no longer suffering and towards the end she was truly suffering. She didn't even know I was in the hospital room when I was and I'm not sure if it was the medications she was on or if it was the cancer going to her brain. Either way I wasn't leaving her side, I held her hand while she slept, I bugged nurses til they gave her what she wanted. I'll never forget the call from her telling me she had cancer, more than that I'll never forget the text from her daughter telling me she passed.

JoEll, not a day goes by that I don't miss you and think about you. I know you are an angel in heaven, but I still wish you were here with me, I would take one more hug, one more kiss, one more "I love you to the moon and back", one more laugh. I love you to the moon and back forever and always.