Why I Stayed

While nobody likes getting older, I can honestly say it is something that terrifies me. I have watched my mom go through a lot as a kid and I watched JoEll die in front of me last year. This year would be my 10 year high school reunion and there isn't a snowballs chance in hell you will find me there. See, I'm envious of my friends who liked high school, it was a traumatic and awful four years for me. I got into a relationship that wasn't healthy for me, that was mentally, emotionally and physically abusive. It didn't start out that way, of course it started out with the romance and the whole part of him sucking me in and then slowly he began breaking me down and making sure I knew that I was nothing and would never be loved if I left him. Soon the name calling started and then the physical part. While I don't have to discuss the details of it, I will say this, it changed me. And anyone who knew me before it happened and knows me now will tell you the same thing. I was pretty outgoing before it happened and then after I became much more introverted. 

People always ask why did you stay? Sometimes they ask with judgment, sometimes curiosity, sometimes with honest concern. I think for someone who has been in a domestic violence situation it is one of the most common yet difficult questions to answer because even though it made sense to that person at the time, it will never make sense to anyone who hasn't lived through it. People who are abusive thrive off of power and control, it's not just like breaking up with someone who is a bad boyfriend or girlfriend, this person has a hold over you that they have worked hard to maintain. They have broken you down to nothing and made you believe you are nothing without them. They have done this through name calling, intimidation, physical power, isolation from family and friends and they do this deliberately. Something I have never understood is why abusers abuse the people they claim to love when most of the time the abuser themselves were abused and know the pain, I would think they would want to save their loved one that pain, but it doesn't work that way. I stayed with my ex because I believed he didn't know better because he was abused, but that was a bullshit story I told myself because I didn't believe I deserved better. He knew better, he made the choice not to do better, and I allowed it. I think aside from the invisible scars left from the abuse the hardest part is forgiving yourself for allowing someone to violate you in such a profound way. My mom will tell you that I will go toe-to-toe with any and everyone who pushes me and I truly believe that is because I didn't protect myself from my ex so I feel the need to over protect myself now. I lost myself in a relationship and in a guy who ruined the core of who I was. I still don't know how to forgive myself for that. Yes it's been ten years since I've been out of that relationship, but it doesn't ever go away. Ask any survivor of domestic violence, it never goes away, you are triggered by certain things at any given moment. 

One of the hardest things that I've had to learn and am still learning is that even though he told me that I was damaged, I'm not damaged, sure I have cracks and breaks but everyone does. And how else will the light get through without cracks? There's a really good documentary out right now called "Private Violence" on HBO about Domestic Violence, it's worth watching. If nothing else, I hope next time you find out that someone you know has been abused and you ask them why they stayed, you ask them with compassion and genuine concern, don't judge them, because at that time, they didn't know better and when you know better you do better. And if you are going to get into a relationship with someone who has been through this or fall for them, you are really lucky because these people have been through hell, know how to survive, haven't given up on humanity and are still willing to give their hearts. Be patient with them, be strong, and be loving. 

I think I finally broke free of that relationship when I went away to college, because an order of protection and an arrest didn't even stop him. When I went to college and he couldn't find me, I finally felt safe again. In college I did a speech in my Women and Gender Studies class about what I went through and even though I cried the whole way through it, I know my Professor and my class was so proud of me for talking about it. I even did my Independent Research Study on implementing a Domestic Violence Notification System for repeat offenders, similar to what Megan's Law does for sex offenders. So yes, high school was an awful time in my life, and he ruined who I was, but he also showed me how flawed our justice system is and how sharing my story can help other people. If I can save even one girl from going through the hell I went through then I will know it was worth it. I hope to someday make domestic violence a felony, because if violence is going on in the home, where are you safe? I know it's a big goal, but I'm confident that it's something that can happen. I will never call myself a domestic violence victim, I will always call myself a domestic violence survivor.