Online Dating

Match.com boasts that one in five relationships now starts online but I often wonder to myself is there fine print that I'm missing somewhere that defines what they mean by a relationship? And what kind of odds are 1 in 5? I'm no mathematician but I'm fairly certain 1/5 is .2% those odds blow. I guess I should start with why I'm writing this post first. I'm writing it for two reasons, the main reason being I've been what my mom and sister like to call a serial dater since my ex and I broke up almost 10 months ago, (side note: wow its really been 10 months since then, deep breath OK), and I would say only 1 guy I've gone on a date with wasn't a total jag bag. Things didn't work out with him and I because he had gotten the job he always dreamed of and had to focus on it and I totally understood, luckily we still keep in contact. More about him later. The second reason I'm writing this is because apparently the other day when we were checking out at Wal-Mart I was getting checked out and hit on by the cashier who wasn't bad on the eyes at all and was pretty funny about the ladies in front of us. However, I guess I wasn't catching on that he was into me because I was noticing his Army lanyard and telling my nephew that the army guy was going to kick his ass if he didn't knock it off. Said nephew was screwing around and I was over his shenanigans. Well as we started to walk away my sister tells me, "hey idiot he was flirting with you, why didn't you seal the deal?" My reaction? "HUH?" Apparently I've gotten so into meeting guys online I forget to even look or pay attention when I'm out. The thought honestly crossed my mind to ask him if he had a match.com account so I could wink at him because I was too big of a weenie to say anything in person. Pathetic I know. I begged Jennifer to go back and get his number for me but she wouldn't, she's no Pauly D, I can't count on her to catch any grenades. On the drive home she told me he said he couldn't wait to get off work to go kill his liver aka get wasted. On second thought, I don't need that phone number, LOVE OUR MILITARY GUYS OOHRAH HOOYAH and all that jazz but I'm not strong enough to date a military guy I'd be a nervous damn wreck and too selfish. So army guy you were cute and thanks for the laughs in the Wal-Mart line but keep that number UNLESS you can offer me a Nicholas Sparks The Lucky One type love story or maybe you were a Navy SEAL, "To us and those like us, damn few" (You gotta admit those boys in Act of Valor who were REAL Navy SEALs were FFFFINNNNE) 

Back to the jag bags of the online dating world...if you need a good laugh and I know you do let me start off with some of the best pick up lines I've gotten from guys.....
*You are the most stunningly beautiful woman I have ever seen (um BS-pull out a Victorias Secret magazine idiot I'll find you someone hotter)
*You are so beautiful that I just walked into the wall looking at your picture and for insurance purposes I need your name and phone number (UM no)
*Did you fall from Heaven? (HA you have no idea)
*I love how wide your hips are (HOLD UP- DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S something to say to a girl?)
*What's the sexiest pair of underwear you own? (UM ew pedophile)
Needless to say any and all idiots who lead with a pickup line get blocked because if you are that big of a d-bag you can't come up with something better I can't waste my time talking to you. 

The best is when you hang out with a guy and he acts like he's into you (i.e. kissing you-MOM cover your ears/eyes) and then later on that day text messages you and says, "yeah we can totally hang out again but we probably wouldn't date because I have to be blown away by someone in order to date them and I won't settle for anything less,".........E-E-E-E-Excuse me? Did I hear your dumb ass correctly? So not only did you act into me by kissing me but then you said you'd be settling for me because I didn't blow you away? Really, it was for the better because he wasn't the most mind blowing guy either so all's fair. Or when the guy acts into you and then doesn't call or answer your text messages ever again after he acts like the sun rises and falls in your eyes! This group is the pigs. You know who you are I don't need to name you although I'd love to.

Or the only child momma's boy who has never had to learn how to share so not only is he jealous of anything and anything  you pay attention to (i.e. your 5 year old nephew and your dog--I shit you not, I can't make this up if I tried). He would tell his mother when we got into arguments and when I asked him to stop doing that, he said, "you want me to lie to my mom?" UMMMMMMM are we not 25 years old? I don't believe telling our parents every waking move we make is lying per say. They don't need a play by play, this isn't Madden or NBA 2012, they don't need to know EVERY little detail and if they do your mother obviously never cut that cord. Like does he tell her if he's intimate with someone like what the f-? Clearly it didn't work out with this momma's boy, that cord was nowhere near being cut. He also asked me if I had to choose between him and my nephew who would I choose, like that is even a question. He also thought it was his right to discipline my nephew and say that he was a "little shit child." There would be tire marks all over his face from me running fast and far....and in the end there were (figuratively of course). 

Then you have the one that got away, granted his situation was legit and you still talk from time to time but he treated you differently than any other guy has ever treated you. He wanted to take things slow because in his words, "relationships that start fast end fast." He was respectful to you and your feelings, did everything to make you feel great and know he was into you without it being like the Pigs. And then he finally got his dream job, and he knew he needed to focus and he couldn't put the time or effort into the relationship that you both knew it needed so he wanted to be friends and you couldn't do it because of your feelings for him and you both cried because you both felt terrible. In the end after some time passed you ended up being friends and you realized what an awesome guy he was and how he is really one in a million. That's you Brandon :) I'm calling you out! 

You have you're dirty old men who are as old as your father if not older who message you about wanting to date and settle down. And I have to include in this group the awkwardness of when someone views your profile and you know them, because they were parent's at your mother's school that she teaches at, that's like a million times ew. I have now created a filter on the messaging part of the application so that anyone older than what I have my age limit set at just gets filtered out because it is so heinous. 

Then you have the group of guys who think they are totally pulling one over on you, who pretend to like you or want to be in a relationship with you to only reap the benefits of one, you know what I'm talking about. And the best part is they honestly think you are that dumb to buy it. Like I might have been born at night, but not last night. This isn't my first rodeo here play boy. Don't try to play me.

I feel like I've run the full gamete of men  online and still not been a 1 in 5 relationship. So match.com I guess I'm one of the other 4 people who got screwed by you or who pressed "I agree to the terms and conditions" without reading the fine print. I love reading some of the profiles of what people are looking for, or profile names or "what they're good at" some of these guys are just ridiculous and I really wonder if they honestly hold themselves to that standard because I laugh out loud at some of these profiles. You've got your big overweight guy who only wants to date slender or athletic build women, like seriously dude? You have your guy whose username is PerfectPackage or something lame like that or your guy who says in his section about what he's really good at "sex". Oh, good you have no brain in your head and you are clearly a douche lord for putting that as your answer and any girl who messages you is as big of an idiot as you are. 


I've been asked out by someone in Morocco, oh sure your place or the Atlantic Ocean?


So the online world for dating isn't exactly the most ideal place to meet someone, but when you are working shift work, and are a weenie about asking people out what's better than hiding behind a computer screen? I don't even bother lying on my profile because a) I like who I am and don't give a shit if you don't and B) when you meet me you'll know the truth so what's the point? I don't understand why everyone says "so and so has had such good luck on this site" it's like REALLY because I haven't! I can't say that all the guys online are total losers because I have talked to and am talking to a nice guy who hasn't sent any red flags but I suppose eventually I should stop relying on the Internet and get back out there either that or allow my friends to set me up which would be just as frightening.